In the midst of our chaotic, busy, go-go-go mentality type world that we live in these days, I wanted to take a minute of reflection of some deep rooted pain I’ve been experiencing, and the freedom and wisdom I’ve gained from enduring it. I wanted to take a moment to write about that, and share the growth, strength, and fruitful blessings that are available to all of us through the power of The Cross. It’s a fight I’ve been battling through, and I pray someone else may be able to relate while reading this page, and be inspired while leaving it.
Much of my life I have practiced the habit of ignoring God’s signs, pushes, and plans for my life; of being completely and totally self-indulgent. I’ve chosen my ways over His time and time and time again. Not because I have any desire to disobey Him; my heart is set on quite literally the opposite. But this world that we live in doesn’t encourage us to walk by faith… to follow “Emmanuel: God with us.” The world around me encourages me to follow the highlight reels on social media… to use the celebrities as examples of how to live and the #lifegoals I want to reach: to get the most handsome guy, take the most lavish vacations, own the nicest things, and post the hottest styled photos with lyrical captions from Beyonce, Kanye, and Drake. Therefore, walking by faith is really, really hard sometimes.
“Oh you haven’t found a husband yet? No plans for kids yet? Better hurry up. You’re going to miss out if you wait too long.”
“You’re still working at the same job? Waiting tables still, huh? Maybe you should try to elevate your career a little harder…”
“Did you see her pictures from that party she went to on that vacation? Ugh, so jealous. Bet you wish you could do something like that too, huh?”
This comparison, judging, self-indulgent culture kills us. It kills those of us comparing and judging, and those of us on the receiving end: self-indulging to fit in, and feeling crushed under the weight of these comparisons. The world around us encourages us to follow in the “now.” It encourages us to go harder, faster, stronger; to “level up”… to beat out the next coolest person we know with finances, talents, experiences, or goals.
But let me be clear: all of these things are not God’s desires for my life, or yours.
I’ve really been wrestling with this lately, because how in the world am I supposed to follow God when I live in a world that is rather consistently counter-acting and counter- motivating me to do the opposite? How am I supposed to follow God when following Him means losing friends, making (hard) sacrifices, giving up fleshly desires for faith in eternity and a God that I believe is constantly working for my good? How do I follow Him when people look at me thinking I’m crazy for stepping into this “supposed calling” of missionary work, or thinking I’m stupid for “being obsessed with Jesus.”
However, what I’ve come to realize in these last previous days of struggle, adversity, and post-pained, found freedom, is that living day in and day out to satisfy my Instagram followers, friends, or people that may judge me… or to look/live like Kim K, or to have the best branded coffee maker or car or clothes, are fleeting. They’re temporary. And the results of these desires to please the world and be accepted today, will be literally irrelevant tomorrow.
But choosing to take time to (actually and literally) open the Word of God, to read and take notes on a devotional or a book filled with wisdom by a renown author, or to sit by myself and journal...or maybe make a list of goals I want to achieve in the next month, or spend intentional time with a valued loved one in my life that I haven’t seen in a while; a loved one that will root me in the ways I’m striving to live by... these actions will dramatically shift and change me, and could be incredibly relevant to the next seasons of growth in my life that are yet to come.
God has been showing me and speaking to me so often lately of the importance in solitude. Especially as a creative mind, big personality, performer in this life. Solitude isn’t just something that I should have in my life, it’s a vital necessity for growth and getting to know ‘me.’ And it’s a vital necessity for you to get to know ‘you.’
I’m reading a book right now called Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild, and it’s been dramatically shifting my heart in unexplainable ways. In a chapter I was reading tonight on “Habits,” Mary Kassian writes the following:
“The natural, sinful inclination of our flesh is to be self-indulgent and not self- disciplined… The ‘rubber hits the road’ at decision time. I know what I should do… and I know that God gives me the power and self- discipline to do what I should do… so all that remains is for me to surrender my will to His and actually do it. I need to live by the Spirit, and not by my flesh. And that’s the toughest part. Every day, I make dozens of ‘rubber hits the road’ decisions about whether I’m going to gratify the desires of my flesh or walk by the Spirit of God. All these decisions add up to a self- indulgent or self- disciplined pattern of living.”
I was wrecked by this passage. Because this is the worlds ways for us vs. God’s ways for us.
I’ve been waking up listening to a song called “I Surrender,” by Hillsong, and praying that God will allow those lyrics to shape and structure my day, moment in and moment out. “Find me here, Lord will you draw me near, speak me now…I surrender; I surrender. I want to know you more.” If I wake up in a posture that I am not invincible, I am not perfect, I am not all-capable and fearless, I am not free of anxiety or temptations; but rather I am made beautiful and clean through his grace and love. That I cast my worries and fears on the Lord. That I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Waking up and living like THIS every single day is my #lifegoals. And it’s a fight. It’s a daily fight against old habits and patterns and places of comfort. But it’s worth it. It’s empowering to take back my life from the world, and lay it at the foot of The Cross; to give my life to the God that created it, because He gave His son’s life in honor of mine… I mean the sheer weight of that will reduce me to tears if I meditate on that beauty long enough… its just astonishing!
Many people I know question the what if’s of God and Jesus; the logistical questions and answers. And I get it. I questioned everything for a long, long time myself. Until I didn’t. Until I just threw my hands up, and asked Him to show me His realness.
“Come near to God, and He will come near to you.”
(James 4:8)
To show me His ways were going to ALWAYS be better than my own.
And he did.
And they are.
They have been every single time.
In seasons of not even acknowledging God was there, not even paying Him a single moment of attention, He was fighting for my life… working for my good while I ignored Him… and He STILL chased after me, until I was caught. Caught up in a love so strong, and an ocean of life and abundance and joy so deep that it overflowed to propel me across the world to share this love with any and everyone that will listen to what He’s done in my life.
The worldly, self-indulgent struggles, doubts, fears, and feelings of craziness are real. They’re daily. They’re painful to say ‘no’ to. I’m right in the middle of my own war zone of these. But God is bigger than any enemies voice, any past pain or future failure, and any “I don’t think I can this time” kind of thought. It’s hard. It’s SO hard. But it’s worth it.
God brought some of the deepest feelings of brokenness out of my soul on Friday afternoon last week, and instead of running to my comforts, turning to the world, I turned on my favorite worship music, I sobbed so hard my throat hurt, and with a shaky hand out in surrender I sang, “You’re still worthy. You’re still holy. You deserve all of the glory.” I prayed deeply. I took some intentional rest time (even if it was only a 45 minute nap) and I woke up talking to God, thanking Him for my pain, and praying for strength, discernment, and peace.
And if it wasn’t one of the most post-painful, found freedom kind of weekends, of feeling empowered, refreshed, and renewed… of God giving me tangible, physical signs of comfort and gentle guidance, and of feeling like somehow this is yet another new beginning of the rest of my life, then I don’t know what was.
Trust Him to use your circumstances.
Feel through it all, and choose to worship, believe, and have faith anyways. And choose people that can walk beside you holding your hand through it all, while still holding hands with Jesus. It reminds me of a scene of two little kids walking next to their Dad and all holding hands. After all, were his children, and He’s our Father. But sometimes one of us kids sees the candy aisle at the grocery store (momentary sweetness), or the ride the want to go on at the carnival (temporary, fleeting fun), or the giant stuffed animal to be won as a prize (man made comfort/ safety)... find people to hold your hand, that are also walking with the Lord, so that when the dangling carrot of enticement shines in the peripheral, you don’t run towards that, but rather stay rooted, hand in hand and it’s your people, walking by faith.
People tell me I’m crazy for believing in the radical God that I believe in. But if I have even a chance at an eternity with the Creator of the Universe, with the Jesus that redeemed my life, that masterminds miracles before my eyes, and continues to provide and exceed my expectations, then sign me up for the journey with Him. Sign me up for the chance of that eternity. Sign me up to leverage my life, and my choices, to glorify this freedom giving Father that loves me, and loves you. If there’s anything I know that’s truth today, it’s that. I hope you know and remember it too.
“And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.” 1 Corinthians 2:1-5
I love you humans that read these words of mine a whole lot... a whole, whole lot. But as my dadddy used to say, “I love you, but Jesus loves you best.”
Time to go win this daily fight, fam.
We got this, and God’s got us.
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