Change of Heart.

Wow, I feel like it's been way too long since I have written one of these things.

And tonight, I have so much on my heart.

This past weekend was a busy, but wonderful one.

We opened and closed The Uganda Project! Some loved, some disliked. But I fully enjoyed myself through this entire experience and was honored to have been a part of it, no matter what others may say. It was a huge learning experience for me and taught me more than I could have imagined.

I also got to see Mom, Dad, Ray, and Jay! :) Family and love makes my world go round.

Being so far away from home and your family and friends is so difficult sometimes. I really miss the way I feel when I'm back in Georgia because it's just a totally different mood and emotional state I am in there. I reassure myself about being so far away in the fact that school is school, not necessarily social time.

I've got my rocks of life back home that could never, ever be replaced by anyone. Those people make my life wonderful and make me love going home :)

Seeing that one special man of mine was tough, but so refreshing. It's so true that you really don't realize what you have until it's gone. But I don't think things will be like that for long. I know that if it's fate, and it's in God's plan, He will allow for our paths to merge back together; I just know He will.

 And I can't predict the future, but I think I will spend the rest of my life with that man.

 And that makes me really happy :)

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't deny true love when you know it's there.

Along with this wonderful weekend, I had some crazy realizations and signs about things that are changing and shifting in my heart and in my life. 

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life, my career choice, and the way that I spend most of my time these days.

Backtrack for a moment:

Parkview High School.

Anyone that knew me then, knows that I was one of the most involved people in school; volunteering, extracurriculars, trying to change everyones lives in the best way I could; I wanted to save the world! Really!

And the reality is,

I still do.

Back to now:

I have contemplated recently, and don't know what I am going to do yet, but I am feeling pulled into a direction of life that I am fighting off right now, and don't really want to fight anymore.

I've been debating about SB '11 lately; beach with friends, go home and relaxxxx, take a road trip, etc.

Then yesterday after a Bible study, something hit me, and made me go home and look up missions trips. I have always wanted to attend one, and have heard so many great things about them, but never have gone. To my surprise, I found one that I could afford, and that wasn't out of the country, AND was on my Spring Break! Sign/ urge #1.

After finding this, I opened my Bible which is something I should do much more often, and read some verses about serving God. Sign #2.

Today, I woke up feeling on top of the world. I got to talk to the coordinator of the missions trip to Los Angeles and he is getting back to me tomorrow on weather it's a possibility that myself, and even Jay, may be able to attend! 

Tonight, I saw the sign out for Campus Crusades, and decided that it was my first night off of rehearsals since the semester began, and I would go! :) Sign #3(Tuesdays are a rare occasion for me to have off!)

I went, and what do you know, but the awesome Jason Cook, Atlanta native and previous Ole Miss football player was speaking this evening! What a motivational and wonderful speaker this guy is.

Well his lesson tonight was so eye opening, and sooooo something I needed to hear.

To nutshell it up, it was about the things in our life that are written with "little g's." We so often get caught up in idols, or success, or friends, or life, that we make everything in our life that should be "little g's" into "big g's" when in reality, 

there is only ONE BIG "G"; God! 

He spoke about how he worked his entire life to get to the NFL, and when he got there to play for the Ravens, and got asked to play his first starting game against the Atl Falcons(woot woot!), had his family and friends there all going crazy for him, and scored his first big touchdown!!!!.... and after the touchdown, he felt empty. He felt like "Is this it? Is this what I have worked so hard for?" He had made football a big "G" and he realized he didn't want that anymore. He said in that one moment, he decided to turn his life over to God and spend the rest of his life serving Him. 

That sermon? Sign #4.

All in all, this is what i have been feeling like. 

Acting is so self fulfilling sometimes for me. I feel like I'm only doing it for myself. And theatre and being an acting major consume my life now. It's all about me and time on my work, and time rehearsing, and time in the shop. 

I never have time for anything else to make me happy anymore it seems; not volunteering, not socializing, not serving God, not even going to church some Sunday's because I am too tired from the rehearsals or homework the night before. 

Don't get me wrong, I love performing and I love the program I am in here at Ole Miss, I am just beginning to wonder if it's really all worth it. Is it going to change someone else's life? Is it going to keep me from ever having time to do "outside of theatre" activities? Is college going to pass by with me looking back saying "why didn't I do something more?"

I worry a lot, I know, but this time, I really feel like something is pushing me to do something new.

To make a positive change in my life.

To be motivated to serve others and change others lives again; cause I surely used to want to do this in high school, and that drive to do so is still so present inside of me.

To be driven and happy, I mean truly happy and full of life once again.

I feel like since college, I've lost some of my "happiness in life", 

and I want it back.

I want to be fulfilled not from the things that I do for myself, but from the way I can impact others lives by things I do for them and for HIM!

If it wasn't enough to hear such an eye-opening sermon this evening, I also found out about a missions trip that Crusades is taking over SB to Orlando!  I spoke to someone after the service, and what are the odds, but someone dropped out yesterday and there is one spot open :) Sign #5.

Nothing is official yet, but I have 2 missions trips lined up that I can afford, and both of which my Jay may be able to come on with me as well :)! We have wanted to go on a trip together for so long to serve God and this is such a perfect opportunity! Those of you reading this, pray for the best to work out however it is supposed to :)

Overall, today/ tonight, I feel on fire. For God, for myself, for my life, and for my future happiness.

And I want this feeling to stick with me for a really long time.

Where my life will take me this semester and 2 or 10 years down the road, was planned in my head a few days ago.

Now, I think I'm going to leave it all up to Him.

Weekly challenge: weather you are a Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, or athiest; try going to church with a friend this week. Maybe you used to go and stopped. Maybe you go all the time. Maybe you have never gone. Call up a buddy, and take a trip to His house this weekend; see what it could do for your life.

I love you all and hope you weren't bored reading my excitement about life right now! :) I will be keeping things updated on here I hope if time allows :)!

As for now, gym and homework are going to consume my life for the rest of the evening.

Check out the video if you wish. This song and it's lyrics really spoke to me tonight.

Peace and love, be with you.

So that is that.

If I die today, I would want you to know my feelings today.

xo, Jell.