You are your own happiness.

Wow, where do I begin! It has been way too long since I have written one of these and I am very disappointed in myself.

As usual, I've had many changes in my life and realizations and wanted to allow you into my mind for a little while :)

I have traveled a lot recently! In the past month I've been to LSU for a forensics tournament, Atlanta for the South Eastern Theatre Conference(which brought me much success!), FSU for the American College Dance Festival where I performed in pieces from a recent dance show at Ole Miss and took some amazing classes, and then had one of the best 10 hour car rides of my life with three of the most amazing guys in the world. We shared things about each other and I got to know those 3 individuals more in that car ride than I've ever known about them in the past two years of our friendships. It was beautiful.

Second of all, I did not get to go on the missions trip over spring break. I was pretty bummed but due to financial issues as well as time constraints, I just didn't see it possible to do. I still have the strongest push in my life that I need to get into more volunteer and missions work, and I need to do it soon. From my last post below, it is clear that my desire is alive in me to do this work and I assure you, that fire is still there. But I instead went home because I wanted to spend some much needed time with family and friends. And I had so much fun! I was able to take yoga in a 105 degree room with Gracie Lou, hit the town of Athens for St. Patty's Day with Madison and Jamie, have a pizza party and a night of karaoke and dancing with the best friends in the world, see my family and grandma lots, as well as purchase a new car! A Volvo S60 that I will be receiving in T-minus 10 hours!

Why would I be getting a new car now? Why did I need to go home for spring break due to time constraints?

Well I actually just recently found out that I got a job offer through SETC at Hershey Park in Hershey, PN working as a stagehand, one of two on one of their summer shows! So I am off to a new world for 4 months this summer with my first professional theatre job ever! It's not performing, but it is theatre. And that is my passion; any and everything involving that wonderful art form. The only downside will be being away from GA and the people I love so much in GA for a really long time, which I am not used to at all. Though I am in MS, I still see people from home fairly often. So it will be a big challenge, but I'm going to do it.

Along with these recent exciting things happening, I also just found out that I was accepted into the BFA Acting program at Ole Miss! This is basically what I've been here for the past two years to get to, and I finally got it! It was a very exciting moment when I found this out because I've worked my rear end off for it! :)

I've still been thinking a lot about my life and where I want it to go; if I want to act forever or be involved in this industry for the rest of my life. But after all, it is my life long dream, and I have made it this far so why stop now? I love what I do, it just gets so straining sometimes that I question it, but I think that these things will be worked out once I get into BFA Studio. I have been told they will, and I hope they do..

I do know that there is much more to my life than performing.

I want to make an impact on someone with performing.

I want to touch lives with performing.

I want to make it about others, and not just about me and my dream in life.

I want to change the world with performing.

I haven't figured out exactly how that is going to happen, but I think with tying in special education during college, I am going to find exactly where I need to go with my career(s).

Other than this exciting stuff I have had some realizations about life that I want to share with you.

Mostly about happiness and love.

What really is the meaning of happiness? That is what I've questioned lately.

What is it that makes you happy in life?

And what I have found is the only answer is you, and God.

You and God are the only ones that can control your life and control your happiness, nobody else.

Many times I think people think that relying on others or on substances that they will find happiness.

They think that it is through their friends, or their boyfriend, or money, or their parents, that they will find what they are looking for in life.

I have realized recently that if you look for happiness in others or through things, 

you will never find it.

To be happy is to know yourself and to know what you want to get out of this brilliant world we live in, as well as happiness is knowing that there is something bigger out there. 

That it is not up to you every second of the day, that there is something and someone that can be right by your side to guide your every step and every move in life, 

if you will allow Him.

I think that the main thing that people want to relate happiness to is love. You want to feel loved in life to be happy.

Many people think they find this happy love feeling through friends, through praise, through a boyfriend or girlfriend, through a drink, a drug, or a cigarette, or through material things in life that give you the feeling of being loved.

But this is where it goes back to the fact that you will not find love or happiness in these things, you will only find it through love for yourself, happiness inside yourself, and love through God.

Once you have found this happiness and confidence and love inside yourself, then the icing on the cake are all of the amazing things in this world! And those things WILL come once you find love and certainty in yourself.

Your relationships will strengthen.

You will find a boyfriend or girlfriend maybe! The one you've been looking for!

You will find joy in the tiniest things like the sun shining outside, the beauty of a flower growing, a dog running through the park, a rainbow, a smile from a child.

I will admit that finding myself and finding happiness in only myself and through God is still a journey I am traveling through.

But I must say the discoveries I am having in this journey are the best parts.

And I mean, realistically, it is all a journey, and it is forever lasting. There will never be a time when life is perfect, when all our troubles go away and love has no ups and downs, or we don't run into obstacles in life. They will always be there, we just have to learn to deal with them in the right way.

Taking things one day at a time.

Remembering yesterday is gone, and every tomorrow is new fresh start.

Knowing that God is beside us every day, and will never leave us.

So all in all, if you are looking for happiness, if you are desperate to find love, be patient. Find yourself, and find where and who you want to put your faith in, and realize it can't be in others or in material things.

It can only be within you.

I have lost a close friend recently, not by death, but by realizing that he didn't care for me the way I cared for him. And he was my best friend. It was a harsh and such a hurtful realization, but that was when it hit me after nights of crying, that my happiness could not be found in him or anyone else. And that just because he was out of my life, though it hurt so bad, it was not the end of the world! it was just an obstacle to overcome. Just like bad days at school, the worst days at school, they are over in 24 hours, and a new day begins. Old friends leave your life and new ones come in. And sometimes loved ones leave your life, be it by broken relationships, or by passing away. But you have to constantly remember that God's love never dies, and remember the ones that are still on this earth that are still here to love you unconditionally. And if you have that love within yourself, remember that is all you need. You only need you for your happiness, nobody else.

I have been finding more love and happiness within myself and God recently and found that I don't need anyone else to make me happy.

I am thankful to have the most amazing people in my life that are my "icing on the cake" in my world to make my happiness sky rocket through the roof on a day to day basis.

My mom and dad.

My amazing grandmothers.

My entire family on both sides really!

Jay Hart, my first and hopefully only true love from here to the end of time :).

The best girlfriends in the world, Grace, Madison, Morgan, and Rachel.

My theatre family of professors and friends here at Ole Miss.

The worlds greatest girl cousin, My Banno Baby.

And my long lost cousin that I have reunited with, and is now my best friend, my rock in life, Shane.

Though I have some crazy bumps in my road of life, I have faith in God, and I am happy and I am loved, and I know these things are true.

Please take these words and think about them. Know that you are all you need for happiness! Don't forget it! And remember that the ones that love you in this world are your icing on the cake of happiness. Know who has unconditional love for you and put your love right back into them.

I love you all! May the next week bring you love and happiness, and may it be everlasting.

This is one of my favorite songs about friends and family so I will leave you with it! Enjoy!

So that is that.

If I die today, I would want you to know these things.

xo, Jell.