Hello, Sweet Readers!
I hope that your eyes are gazing over these words in a place of happiness and peace today, wherever you may be in this wild ride known as ‘life!’ I myself am sitting in my new little room in New York where I will be living and working for the summer in The Hamptons! I’ve never typed a blog post from New York before, much less in the middle of a pretty surreal little place like East Hampton, so I am hoping that this post comes with some fresh life and perspective for both myself, and specifically those reading it, to gain.
When I started this blog series this year, I wanted to call it ‘Grace and Curls’ for a reason. I wanted to write about the graces that come with life; God’s goodness, the beautiful things in life, the positive outlooks and views on the world, etc. But I also wanted to be able to take time in this year to write about the messy stuff that doesn’t get as much attention; the kinks and bumps and ‘curls’ of our lives, if you will.
I know especially with me, I take on a super human mentality that I can handle whatever tough stuff life throws at me, and I’ll make it through with flying colors. This applies especially within the way that my family, friends, and the rest of the world view me. Even more so it applies since the world literally can view you through the lenses of multiple forms of social media. We as people in society are always being watched, and always having others form opinions over our lives as we also form them over others.
If your anything like me, it’s definitely much more challenging to allow others to see that I’m struggling with anything. I would rather them see me handling everything, succeeding at every turn, and looking good in some selfies I post while doing it all!
Maybe you feel that too. Maybe you’re that employee, student, mom or dad, husband or wife, leader in an organization, self made entrepreneur that has your own projects or business you’re running- maybe you’re that living, breathing, growing human being that wants to put on your game face every day and succeed in every way. And you want the world to see you in that view too…to see that you can do it all!
But this is simply not the reality of being a living, breathing, growing human being. Life is tough, and even with the most positive perspectives that I try to keep alive at all times, things can be really hard. And of late, I’ve been experiencing some things that I’ve found to be really hard, and simultaneously really easy to beat myself up over. It’s the way I’m learning to deal with the hardships and how I’m learning to get through/bounce back from them that is the most important.
So I’ve been struggling lately in some ways, and I want to share just a couple of those struggles, those little ‘curls’ of life, and how I’ve been handling them with you. It’s my hope that you’ll relate with your own life curls, and remember that at the end of the day, we’re all a part of the same turning world. We’re all walking different roads with different bumps, but all getting through them with the help of faith and experience.
About two weeks ago I was having a really tough night. I was getting ready to move, cleaning out my condo, juggling work, appointments, errands, obligations, my film class, a late night video call meeting, and many other things all at once. It was a day when things had just piled up, literally and emotionally inside, and I had kept my game face on through the pile up. I was tackling all the things on my to-do list, smiling while doing it, but inside I was essentially losing it. Nothing was even specifically wrong, I was just feeling completely spent with life in general.
We do this to ourselves a lot though, right? Life throws so much responsibility and chaos our way and we think we can do it all, handle it all, take on all the things we want to take on, when the reality is, sometimes we do too much, and need help. That’s where I was on this day. I just needed some help.
I got home after that long day was over at 11:30pm, and I just lost it. I cried the hardest I’ve cried in I’m not sure how long. I was feeling scared, and lonely, and sad, and exhausted.
I share this experience because of a couple reasons. One, to remind myself and you, that breakdowns are okay. They’re allowed to happen, and should happen. We feel like we have to be super humans so, so often in life that we forget that breaking down tonight can actually make us stronger tomorrow. But two, I share this to encourage you that feeling the breakdown, without covering it up, is the most important part. Or that’s what I found.
I wanted so badly to call someone to come over to be with me. I wanted to have a drink or go out to forget about this weird pain I was feeling. I wanted to do anything to push past whatever these emotions were and just brush them under the rug.
But I didn't.
Like I said, we’re all walking different roads with different bumps, but all getting through them with the help of faith and experience. So there in my bed, curled up in the fetal position with tears pouring down my cheeks, I started to pray. I genuinely cried out to Jesus that He would comfort me in the midst of this unrest and chaos I felt inside. I actually opened my Bible and laid my head on the pages that are now tear stained from that night.
My pastor, Louie Giglio, preaches very often about using worship as a weapon to fight our battles in life, and I’ve been trying to live by these words. In doing so, worship music has become a healing therapy in my life over the last year and a half (so much so that I joined my church choir even). I had been listening to Steffany Gretzinger’s new Blackout album on repeat, and I went into my apple music to turn that on, but instead I searched her name. There under her albums was one called “The Undoing.” I hadn’t even seen it before, but I clicked on it because that was how I felt in this moment of tear filled sadness: I felt undone.
If you’ve never heard the album, or even if you have, give it a listen the next time you’re in a quiet place and want to feel closer to God. Ya’ll, if this whole album didn’t essentially appear on my screen while I was crying out to God to comfort me, and didn’t quite literally heal me through that night, then I don’t know what did. The whole album was all the things I was feeling all at once and all the encouragement I needed to hear in my ears to make me feel better. It was Steffany’s voice, but it was like God was speaking to me through the songs. So much so that one song is even called Cecie’s Lullaby, and I swear it was His lullaby to get me to sleep on this night:
"Call my name and I will answer, all you need is here inside My arms. Just breathe. And you’ll be safe and sound with me. So rockabye baby, come and rest. You’ve been tired lately, lay your head down. Don’t you think, baby, I know best? I’ve been a Father for a long time.”
Another song is called Steady Heart:
"Though the sky is dark, and the wind is wild, You’ll never leave me. Though the night is long, there is a coming dawn. The light is breaking.” That night I cried, I listened, and I prayed for rest; physical rest, and rest within my soul.
I started playing the album that evening, and I let it play on my phone through the night while I slept, until about 2PM the next day. I’ve since then played those songs almost daily for the last few weeks since hearing it. It is by far one of the most, if not the most, powerful series of songs I’ve ever heard.
It was interesting that on the night when I felt the deepest, essentially unexplainable pain, that I woke feeling stronger than ever. I had pushed through it. Not by myself, but with God and faith.
You may be thinking ‘great, Angelica… you felt sad and dealt with it in a healthy way… congrats’
But there’s follow up to this story.
That night I handled things great. The very next day and weekend I went out and partied at a music festival. That night I felt all the feelings and cried out to Jesus as my solace and answer to my pain. That weekend I drank and forgot about any pain. That night I cried on my Bible and listened to worship music to get me to sleep. That weekend I didn’t do anything against God, but I didn’t do anything for Him.
And at the end of the day, if we make choices that are in our own will or way, then they aren’t in His. And therefore, if they’re not choices for Him, they’re against Him. This is a really difficult truth I’m still learning and embracing to accept. It’s a hard one. It’s a really hard one.
After the two-day festival was over, I went to church the next day and it was like the sermon had been written for me that morning (because, it's God). The title of the message was from Micah 7:8 “ Though I fall, I will rise. Though I sit in the darkness of distress, the Lord is a light for me.” The central focus was about how we as human beings always fall short. But though we fall short, fall down, or fall out, God is the light that shows us out of those failures and back into his graces… every. single. time. It’s a matter of “knowing your sin, owning it, and then stepping into the light.”
Even since this eye opening few days I had of strength in Him, plus messing up, I’ve continued to fall short. I’ve continued to make mistakes. I’ve continued to make choices out of God’s will, and all based on my own. But these are the confessions of a living, breathing, growing, praying human being, and I’m not perfect. The great news is I wouldn’t need God as my savior if I were perfect, and thankfully for this life, I’m not! None of us are. I’m not the super human I want to always be, and neither are you.
“Constant One, endless is Your love. Like a river, can’t be stopped, You’re faithful! Constant One, who is like You, God? Your mercy’s like the sun, always rising over us…And there is no place that I could run that you won’t chase me down, you won’t chase me down. And there is no place that I could hide that I will not be found, I will not be found.” (Steffany Gretzinger- Constant One)
Louie wrapped that special Sunday message up with a beautiful image. He spoke about stained glass. He said that “Stained glass doesn’t evoke a memory, but it tells a story. God takes stained glass, pieces it together, and it reflects a story of grace and beauty.”
I don’t know about you, but I have a whole lot of stained glass that pieces together who I am now. I have stains, scratches, cracks, and chips all over my past, (even my past few weeks) and new ones that have yet to be seen. But God takes me as I am, gets me through the breakdowns, the scratches, and the ‘curls’ and makes me stronger on the other side. He takes my darkness, and turns it into light. He takes my messy story pieces, and rearranges them to be beautiful. He does that. He, not me.
That weekend, He showed me that the only true healing comfort I would find would be in Him. It wouldn’t be at a Zedd show with the brightest lights, most fun friends, and confetti cannons. It wouldn’t be in delicious drinks out with the girls or the hottest scene we visited and posted about lately. It would just be from Him. I am so thankful for this awareness, and seeing the truth in it over and over and over again lately. Nothing of this world is better than your heart being set on the Lord, who MADE the world.
So though I am living what seems like a dream reality here in The Hamptons, blessed beyond measures in more ways than I can count, I still have my dark days. I still have my breakdowns, I still have my mess ups, and I still have my mistakes. But distracting myself from the realities of life only hinders what God’s doing with me, and will only hinder what He’s doing with you.
I want to encourage you to take off the super human cape this month. Remember that you are whole and wonderful, no matter what broken mess may surround your life right now. Break down; remember it’s okay to do that, and better to do it with God. Understand that even the people that look like they have things all together all the time simply don’t! Their stories and struggles may just look a little differently than yours, and may not be broadcasted for you to see, but they’re there. Find comfort in that truth. And lastly, be comfortable sharing the difficult stuff sometimes. I didn’t think writing openly about dark nights or personal struggles would bring about a positive effect, but if my hurt can lead to someone’s healing, then I want nothing more than to share in that.
Don’t be scared to share your pains. It may be encouragement for someone going through the same thing. As much as we may want it to, life doesn’t exist through Instagram and Snapchat filters. Let the raw, and real stuff show every once and a while and see what happens. I’m doing that for the first time in a long time with this post, so I’ll keep you updated on the response it gets… :)
Life is all about grace and curls. I’ve got a lot of ‘curls’ in my way sometimes, but thankfully God’s got a whole lot of grace to out shine those kinks. He’s ready to do it for you too, just give Him the reigns! He’s always better at charting the course than we are.
I pray that is a truth you can embrace wherever you are in your walk of life today. I pray that you know you’re beautiful even with the stained glass pieces of your past, current, and future mistakes- that God makes them beautiful. I pray you realize that beauty and worth within; it’s there, baby! Let Him show it to you.
"If more of you means less of me, take everything. Father I pray, make me more like Jesus.”
Live. Breathe. Grow. Pray.
He will take care of all the rest.
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